4 Days and Counting

Since my last blog, my efforts to stop cleaning and start acting were unsuccessful. My parent's home functions as a giant vortex, which sucks up every last atom of Govindarajan excess. Unfortunately, it sucked me up too. It's like their home is a black hole smack dab in the middle of LA that when one enters they loose all sense of space and time. Scientists still have trouble understanding black holes, so try finding your way out of one when even light cannot survive its pull. Even when we were younger our friends used to say that time passes in strange ways when they come over. Our friends would stake claim on one of the guest bedrooms knowing damn well that chances of the leaving before curfew were slim. Mom and dad secure in the fact that they knew where their children were never minded the adopted. Over the years mom even grew accustomed to making meals for many knowing that without fail there would be at least one +1 stumbling down the stairs at any given moment.

So now, three weeks have passed and the eve of my year of rebirth is just days away. My struggle to find light in my moment of darkness grows less daunting as the date approaches, but alas, fear still resides. I ask myself every day where this fear comes from? I wonder where its roots lay and when its seeds were planted? I also long to know how I can stop these roots from growing. I am overflowing with positive energy for my loved ones and yet, cannot find the courage to reserve even an ounce of this energy for me. While I am far from rational, I am aware that my inability to believe in myself, my ideas, my success, etc... is a result of my own insecurities--I am the only one holding me back and the answer is to get off my ass and take action. I know I mutter much of the same stuff, but my hopes are that maybe, just maybe, the realizations I am making through this blog will permeate my thick skin.

Thankfully the gutting of my parents home has left me energized not weak. I think the ocean breeze also helped heal the last of my blistering soft spots. Oneness replaced bitterness and forgiveness devoured grudge. In all the years of yoga practice, I was able to clear my mind only once--I focused on the face of Lord Ganesh and my mind quieted immediately. Future attempts to call on the elephant god for assistance did not prove as successful, but through custodial penance my mind has found silence again. The silence while lonely is blissful. It is in this state that I have given birth to new ideas. These ideas seduce and taunt in ways that one cannot help but indulge. I think I might be on way or at least closer to being on my way finally. Cross your fingers for me or better yet, reflect some positive energy my way.

xx
R