We are who we want to be

"Consider that you are already where you want to be and are who you want to be? How do you feel know?"


My mom flew into town for less than 48 hours to make up a class she had missed in her Los Angeles Landmark Self Expression and Leadership Program. While waiting for her to wrap up her class, the head coach of her section engaged me in a conversation that gave me plenty to ponder. Upon listening to me speak about my experience in the Self Expression and Leadership Program (SELP), she stopped my banter and said, "Consider that you are where you want to be and are who you want to be already? How do you feel now?" I didn't have a answer for her. Instead I stuttered a bunch of nonsense knowing full well that she could see right through me. My insecurities were in full swing and I think my face might have even turned a pretty shade of pink. I even found myself tugging at the scarf choking my check, readjusting the hat on my head, and unzipping my sleeping bag of a down coat to ventilate my overheating frame. This woman made me uncomfortable, but not out spite, rather out of love.

One thing I love about the Landmark community, despite the fact that many may find it cult-like or crazy, is that Landmark people have a natural ability to communicate openly and honestly with one another. Landmark people also demand that one speak and act from a place of integrity and authenticity at all times, which isn't unbelievably challenging. I am my true self with very few people, but while in a Landmark setting it is impossible to be anything but myself as acceptance is plentiful.

My intention wasn't to make this a pro-Landmark post as I firmly believe there are thousands of ways to make peace with oneself, but the questions posed by the head coach brought me so much peace that I wanted to share my experience.

If I have always been who I want to be then shouldn't I celebrate? Unfortunately, for me, my problem stems from the fact that I do not believe that I am who I want to be. In fact, I find myself yearning to be something more when in fact I am the greatness that I aspire to be this very second. We fail to recognize ourselves for our accomplishments, successes, etc.. Sometimes I find myself rereading my resume in order to remind myself that I have accomplished numerous amazing things and have lived a fulfilling life even at the young age of 28. Resume or no resume though, I should be able to be and feel and live my greatness in every waking moment as reflecting on my past greatness or my future greatness defines ludicrous.

As I mentioned before, my mom flew into town for I felt was to torture me for a few days. What I missed was that my mom could have made up her class in any Western state, but chose to fly all the way from Cali to NY to see me. Yeah, she said a few not so nice things, but what she said wasn't any different than what she has said to me before. As well, the not so nice comments were out heavily numbered by hugs, kisses, and home cooked meals. Instead of focusing on the fact that I have an inspiring and courageous mom that flew 3,000 miles to take a class that has helped her unite our family in a way that I never imagined possible, I made her trip about me and my own insecurities, which isn't the damn point of life or my greatness or humanity.

I am on a journey to love myself completely despite gaining a few extra pounds or saying the wrong thing, or failing at something. If I can master celebrating who I am, this greatness that I speak of will be able to evolve, transform, create the most magical world for us to share. I am the possibility of being a powerful leader, and a beacon of love, light, hope, and fearlessness! God willing, I will be present to who I am even in my lowest moments as life IS worth living and loving.

xx
R

Say Yes To Blogging

The brilliance of blogging is that while many of us think we are talking to ourselves, sometimes people actually hear us. I made my blog a forum in which I could be my most open and authentic self. We all have so many faces that it is a rare occasion when we get to be our most absolute naked honest self. I got into it with my boy friend last night because he advised me "not to be so honest" on my site, but I disagreed as I want this to be the one place where I can actually get to share who I am sans my definitive character traits. The intention of my blog wasn't to sugarcoat who I am and what I am going through. The sheer act of saving oneself isn't pretty or perfect, so while I can promise to sprinkle in some lighthearted posts every now and then, I cannot promise to never upset you.

Yesterday, I posted my resolutions for the new year and sure enough someone heard me. The Universe awarded my honesty with an connection. Under the heading Contributions to Larger Community on my list of resolutions, I listed that I would be "active within the NY Acumen Fund Community," and to my disbelief, someone from the NY Chapter contacted me today! OK, so it turns out that Acumen does a search for their name every morning, but I didn't know that! My point is that if you write your goals out, you will begin to achieve them and if you read your goals daily as many books recommend, you will actually conquer them. So, as The Secret, Eckhart Tolle, and a whole slew of other like minded individuals stated (and as I am confirming it)--if you think positively and act positively, positivity will flood your world. In conclusion: Start writing and reciting and we will all save ourselves together in no time.

xx,
R


P.S. For dinner tonight I made the most amazing healthy Turkey chili. Mike actually ate it and loved it, which is saying a ton!!! Below is a link to the recipe:

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Turkey-Chili-with-White-Beans-3090

Disclaimer to 1st Post of 2010

I posted a few hours ago and received two super concerned emails and phone calls from two women that I absolutely adore, so I felt the need to post again to let anyone that actually takes the time to read my 1st post of the New Year that I am 100% OK. The reality of my life is that I am too hard on myself and far from patient. I strive for perfection and my inability to achieve it paralyzes me. Regardless, I am a fighter. Have faith that I look forward to a long and fruitful life filled with love, light and laughter!

Sorry to have worried any of you :)

xx
R

Happy New Year! - Resolutions, Visions & Affirmations

It's a NEW YEAR??? Honest to God, I never thought I would make it through 2009. I started this blog June of 2009 in an effort to save myself during a time when I felt completely lost. Now, the year has passed and I am still pretty lost. While I have more perspective on who I am and who I want to be, and can see my life slowly coming together, fear and confusion still plagues me and I am still trying to hone in on the exact path I would like to take. To be completely honest with you, I don't think I have ever contemplated ending my life as an alternative to living life on this planet so many times. Humanity scares me and my responsibility to humanity as a member of the human race scares me even more. I know this sounds dramatic, but if I bulleted every woe of the 2009, you would no longer be wondering how the most unforgivable of all acts popped into my precious head so many times; however, haven't you ever just wanted out?

For those of you who have stated to worry about me or think that I am being a tad ridiculous, I would say let it go for the following reasons: 1) It's not a crime to have suicidal thoughts and it doesn't make me crazy, 2) I am alive and well, and 3) I am determined to be my possibility and to live a life and to be a person that I absolutely and completely love.

Do any of you ever write out resolutions? I wrote out mine for the first time that I can actually remember in recent history last year, and despite the fact that I didn't keep my resolutions in plain site, to my delight, many of them came true! This year, I transferred the items that I still yearn to accomplish onto my 2010 list and compiled a new set of resolutions. In order to stick to my resolutions, I am kicking off my first 2010 blog post with a public posting of my 2010 Resolutions, Visions & Affirmations. I welcome you all to post yours as well :)

Happy Happy New Year!

xoxo
R

2010 Resolutions, Visions & Affirmations

I. Work & Career
• I will make my dreams a reality! I will hone in the company of my dreams and START IT! Enough bullshitting.
i. My company will have something to do with India
ii. My company will have a non-profit angle that benefits young women in India
• Emotions will not run or affect me or my career
• I will continue to network globally

II. Finances
• I will think bigger than paying off my debt!
• I will be debt free
• I will start an IRA
• I will start saving $50/paycheck and increase the amount gradually
• I will be independent & financially responsible
• I will distinguish between “wants” & “needs”
• I will budget, eat out less & cook more!

III. Relationships
• I will listen more and talk less
• I will stop being a meaning making machine
• I will be more considerate, compassionate and aware of people’s feelings
• I will be a better daughter, sister, friend, girl friend, and mother
• I will not shut people out, instead I will act with authenticity and integrity and fearlessness

IV. Health & Fitness
• Working out will be a priority
• Isagenix will be a priority
• I will drink infrequently and responsibly
• I will eat more fruits, vegetables, and fish and less red meat.
• I will NOT eat beef
• I will support my friends and partner in their efforts to be their best selves

V. Recreation & Free Time
• I will read 1 to 2 books a month at least
• I will visit more museums and take advantage of free NY events
• I will learn a language
• I will travel to a foreign land, hopefully two or three!!!

VI. Contribution to Larger Community
• I take a stand for humanity and stand as a member of one nation not as an individual
• I will be active within the Acumen Fund NY Chapter and fundraise aggressively
• I will assist Zoe in her efforts to advance the Women’s Education Project
• I will partner with an Indian non-profit that benefits Indian youth and do whatever I can to help