Moving Movies & Isogenix

I watched two movie today, P.S. I Love You and Julie & Julia (Maya, please don't be upset with me about this. It's just that if I was starving and thought I could satiate by hunger by living vicariously through the film.) and found both films equally inspirational. OK, I know that sounds cheesy and a tad hyperbolic, but to an aspirational young blogger like me, the films were inspiring.

P.S. I Love You made me emo as it was all about a woman finding herself again after her partner died at the age of 35 years. To top it all off Hilary Swank's character hated her job, had serious abandonment issues, and never thought she would love again. Watching this movie made me realize 1) How much I love Mike and how hopeless and lost I would feel without him despite how much he infuriates me, and 2) How much I need to celebrate every second of life as our lives can change at a moments notice. While this was a B- drama at best, it moved me enough to write and think, so that's what matters. Anyhow, Swank manages to move on, and better yet, discovers her talent for shoe design. She committed herself to healing and found light in the darkest of moments, which is most definitely inspirational!

In Julie & Julia, Amy Adam's character started her blog in an effort to find herself and as a means for escape (sound familiar?). Through her blog, she found peace and a sense of accomplishment, which is exactly how I feel every time I communicate with cyberspace. I think most bloggers write in hopes that people are tuning in, but even if no one is listening it still feels good that there is a possibility that some day maybe someone will listen. This movie was justification enough to keep on blogging. Also, inspirational!

So, upon great though, I thought I would share two shifts have occured place in my life as of late. The first being that I have almost fallen back in love with fashion through my current freelance position. Working for two down to earth democratic boss men feels wildly different than my last stint with a bald tyrannical Italian dictator. It's crazy when your superiors actually respect you, trust you and look to you for advice. The sheer idea of a non-oppressive environment within the skinny corridors of this industry blows my mind. Could it even be true!? I laugh so much throughout my day that I can't even believe I am getting paid to do the work! I also have begun to contemplate whether it really is my time to abandon this joint. Right now, I am going to ride the wave for a while.

The second change is my commitment to an organic way of life called Isogenix. I have my girl Maya to thank for this as she rolled over to my house with a stack of CDs on the program that she said, "I had to listen to." Honestly, farming in this country blows and we have no hope of getting the minerals and vitamins our bodies need while living here. Americans have destroyed everything from poultry to potatoes, so that even our organic varieties lack the sustenance we need. Can you believe that cancer stats are on the rise instead of on the decline since the disease first surfaced!!??? WTF!!?? Listening to one of the CDs, which was a radio interview on the program sold me. That and the the fact that my girl Maya is the least gimmicky person I know. You see, Mike and I are the kind of people who watch infomercials and are duped easily. (Please note that in case you are curious, I can confirm that Bumpits and Pedieggs do work and that the Slap Chop is the biggest piece of plastic crap ever). Well, Maya isn't like like us at all, so when she told me about this program, I figured it would be worth checking out. I have committed myseld to a 30 day cleanse, which sounds intense, but really isn't. I only feel tortured because today is DAY 1 and I can't gorge on the Reese's Sticks (who knew they even made sticks!) that Mikey bought at Fairways today. For those of you that have come over you know that our apartment is a snack haven. We have the most amazing selection of snacks from Doritos to Oreos that demand attention the second you walk through our door. Finding a way to remain committed in an environment like is torture, so guess what??? I am going to blog my way through this.

Today, I had to measure every inch of my body and weigh in, and in 8 days I get to do it all again. Yipee!!! Between now and eight days from now, I have to battle the last 3 days of market, an Indian wedding and a bridal shower! Regardless, with 3 more weddings approaching and my LA when-I-was-skinny-jeans staring at me, it will all be worth it. I am sure of it. Oh, and let's not forget how bang'n my body is going to feel once it gets its proper dose of vitamins and minerals for a full30 days!!

So, as my belly will not stop grumbling, I must I bid goodnight before I screw up and binge on the Oreos sitting to the left of me this very second.


xx
R

Progress Report

I found a little piece of who I am in Los Angeles. Now, my mission is to unearth the rest of me. My greatest success so far has been the ability to process that I am the cause of me--I am my suffering and my joy and my struggle. To blame others for my defeat or to depend on others for my happiness has been my greatest misstep. I am my life's architect and it is up to me to draft the most brilliant plan complete with infinite possibilities and unreasonable feats!

I find myself overwhelmed with this new found power as it is the same power present in my heroes and mentors. It is the power that I have envied for as long as I can remember. As ridiculous as it may sound, we all were born with the capacity to lead, empower and inspire. Like Obama, we possess the power to accomplish the most un-dreamable dream. Have you ever looked up the definition of the word hero? Marion Webster defines the word hero as "a legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability." Well, we are all of divine descent and somewhere along the line we forget where we came from or get obsessed with what we think we are or are not and everything goes to shit. We each have the capacity to do a hundred times more than what we do. An extraordinary person is one who learns to identify and utilize the power that lurks within. I am committed to being extraordinary as I am sick of being a mediocre version of myself.

Another great lesson that I have learned since starting this journey is that an extraordinary individual is an individual with BIG PROBLEMS and lots of them. Committing oneself to acquiring lots and lots of big problems make all of the small problems insignificant and comical. My greatest problem now is how am I going to impact this world? How am I going to cause a shift, create magnificent change, move mountains, and on and on? I have a greater understanding of the contemporary painter Jackson Pollack and his efforts to save the world through his paintings as an artist fighting against the void. Through paint and canvas he battled suffering and died a hero in my eyes. While many think he didn't do a damn thing, he did. He understood that one's existence is about the greater whole not oneself. It is when one has a full grasp of this concept that one's power can function at full charge. When he was alive he did his part by fighting not only for his own life, but for all of us. If we each lived every day for everyone else, this world would be a safer, happier, healthier place. Grasping this concept and putting it to use in my day to day life has resulted in the most magnificent interactions. The simple ability to to acknowledgeg every individual I come into contact with as a fellow human being on the same journey as me has been revolutionary in the way people react to me--defenses are down and smiles are abundant.

Unfortunately, regressing into the solo mission mindset isn't hard. Finding authentic love for the people that have hurt me most has been a tremendous hurdle for me in my day to day progress; however, my acute awareness of my hurdle is proof that I am progressing . I strive to find peace with my emotions in regards to these individuals and in my prayers, I pray for their happiness. With time, I believe I can get to that place where I feel complete.

My journey continues and once again I leave you with the promise that I will be a better blogger. With your well wishings, I know will succeed.

xx
R

Alive Again

I don't know how to explain how a 3 day seminar changed my life, but it did.

I write tonight alive, awake, inspired, amazed, present... I could go on and on, but there aren't enough words to describe by bliss. I am overwhelmed with the number of infinite possibilities that exist for my taking. I have the power to create for myself and my life possibilities that will transform both my future and past. I have been empowered with the ability to view life from a pair of fresh eyes and have not only the program to thank, but my friends and family who listened and accepted me through all of my recent revelations.

I know you're probably thinking that this girl swallowed a crazy pill or joined a cult or is a borderline schizophrenic (out of touch with reality), but I am not. I feel saved from the stories that I have created and have used to frame my life.

Me and 196 other extraordinary individuals were reborn tonight. Most of us began the journey resistant and put off, but all of us ended up more at peace, a lot more in tune with who we are, and that that much closer to functioning at our fullest potential. I have so much to share, but after the last few days I am combination of exhilaration and exhaustion. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but it isn't, and I do not have the capacity to explain how I am feeling with the vocabulary we have been gifted. For the first time in a long time, my tears are happy tears, my mind is silent, and my heart is full of love both for humanity and myself .

Thank you for your patience, blessings and support as I figured my shit out.

I am whole again.

xx
R

Operation find BLISS

The last time I posted I referenced an astrology site that my friend Kelly James introduced me to. That site is www.freewillastology.com. Now, I am not sure if will parallel your life as much as it parallels mine, but it couldn't hurt to check it out. I found last week's Leo reading the most poignant of all:

Would you like to spend the next 30 years working your assets off to make your bosses rich? If not, I suggest you start formulating Plan B immediately. The astrological time is not exactly ripe to extricate yourself from the wicked game, but it's ripe to begin scheming and dreaming about how to extricate yourself. Here's a tip to get you in the mood. Assume that there's some validity in the meme that mythologist Joseph Campbell articulated: "Follow your bliss and the money will come." Then ask yourself, "Do I even know what my bliss is? Not my mild joy or diversionary fun but my unadulterated bliss?" Once you know that, you can follow it. And then, inevitably -- although it may take a while -- the money will follow.

Most of us have loads of untapped brilliant bubbles of ideas bouncing around in our brains, but never take the time to pop one and pursue it. Even though each bubble exists as a possible way out of our own self inflicted monotony, the sheer possibility of pursuing that idea instead of cooking dinner, doing laundry, slaving away for our thankless employer all take precedence. My friend Ameet in an effort discern my state of mind, explained that I was like a soft baked cookie just out of the oven. When I expressed confusion, he further explained that as I am waiting to figure out whether I am firm enough to eat or whether I will even taste good, people will decide to pass and will find something else to experience. While likening me to a cookie may not have been the best metaphor, I get the point he was trying to make. I have spent a lot of time worrying about whether or not I'm ready, and for a while there, I wasn't. Right now though, I have no excuse, because I couldn't be more ready as my brain bubbles are bursting at an exponential rate.

I have two solid ideas in two very different genres that I know I could pursue. While I know I will do well following either path, the real question is, which is the answer to finding my "unadulterated bliss." Since I am irrational and look to others to help me rationalize every situation (my greatest fault), I sought out and received a wide variety of advice yesterday:

Kelly's advice: Coming to terms with the fact that my life sucks right now will enable me to think about ways to make it not suck so much. Acknowledging my situation is the first step. Positive and active thinking will lead to progression.

Lindsay's Advice: I need to stop talking about how much my life sucks and how disappointed I am that I am not where I intended myself to be at 28 and start doing. Lindsay also mentioned that being a broken record has started to seriously irritate her. You see Lindsay, I already irritate myself, so I feel your pain.

Sheila's Advice: "Stop telling your friends about the advice your other friends gave you."

One thing I have realized (especially in the absence of my bff) is that I rely on other's to validate all decisions. I couldn't even pick out my Kitchen Aid color without consulting five or six friends only to finally decide on black because it was neutral. Every decision for me large or small requires the consultation of many, which prevents progression. I need to stop looking to people for answers and start looking inside myself. I have the ability to believe in everyone else, but myself. I have the ability to work insane hours and to exhaust myself for demon employers, but can't commit the same amount of energy to my own projects. I could go on and on about how I am absolutely enable to better myself. I need to do something to create a serious shift in the way I think and act. I need to move the mountain within that stands between me and my success, happiness and future. Kelly is right. If I come to terms with the fact that I am the only one stopping me than I will progress. So, I have come up with a new mantra-- I am responsible for my fate and happiness. I am stopping me. I can move my mountain. I will chant this mantra until it replaces the blood in my veins and perhaps then, I will believe in myself.

I am taking a course with my mom this weekend called Landmark Forum. The people I know that have taken the course are the kind of people who you long to be around--their brilliant energy and outlook on life are intoxicating. The course is designed to teach you to free yourself from the boundaries you have set up and to enable yourself to regain control over your life and actions. I know it sounds pretty surreal that a course can help you make this much progress, but as it has done wonders for my very own sister, I have faith that it will do the same for me. I look forward to sharing my progress with you.

xx

R

28 = 2 + 8 = 10 = 1 +0 = 1 = Rebirth

My moment of rebirth began about two hours ago and so far, I feel blissfully peaceful. I hopped around a bit, clicked my heels and even let out a few "It's my birthday!!" cheers before my mother stomped on my midnight soiree by chiming in about me being twenty-eight, juvenile and unmarried. She also refused to kiss me or wish me stating that I was brought into this world at 4:40 am, which would make 12:00 am four hours and forty minutes too early. While the word ridiculous aptly describes my mother in this instance, I am willing to forgive her since she did carry my dead weight around for nine whole months. As well, at eight pounds eleven ounces, I'm not sure how she managed as I break a sweat toting my five pound Yorkie around the city. So, despite my mother's reminder of my current shortcomings, I shall rise above and continue to be zen.

Today, I am off to Las Vegas to lounge by the pool, brainstorm and fine dine. I think it's the perfect way to celebrate my new beginning :) It's funny because this overwhelming sense of ease and happiness doesn't leave much room for deep contemplation. Part of me misses being a little depressed, which I know sounds loony, but is true. I guess writing from a sad heart simply comes more naturally to me.

I thought a lot about blog topics and have even begun logging new ideas when they come to me. While not one of my favorite ideas, I thought about sharing a few of my recent disturbing LA experiences, but as my new mantra is to filter negative thoughts and emotions into positive ones, retelling stories about encounters with horrid Los Angles transplants (from Massachusetts I might add) seems counterproductive. I also don't know how much people benefit from hearing stories about the monsters living amongst us; however, I do believe that we should pray for these monsters in hopes that they become less monster-like and more at peace with themselves. As I told Ms. S. Furr this week, she must wish her monster well and say good-bye.

My friend Kelly shared the most wonderful horoscope with me, which I have posted below. She always forgets to provide me with the website information, but I will definitely update the blog with the appropriate citation as soon as I receive it. If you are lost you must read your horoscope on this site. It is eternally spot on and one of my birthday wishes is that what is stated below comes true:

"Leo Horoscope for week of July 23, 2009

Did life feel meaningless last week? Was your destiny a random sequence of events shepherding you to a series of different nowheres? Even worse, were you convinced that human beings are toxic scum? If so, Leo, get ready for your mood to shift drastically. The whims of fate are mutating. Soon, a source of curses may be a fount of blessings. Enticing leads will rise up out of the midst of boredom. Human beings will fascinate and teach you, and every day will bring new signs to draw you deeper into delicious mysteries."

I love the part about human beings fascinating and teaching me. [Sigh].

Anyhoo, I have to catch a flight in a few hours, so I must put myself to bed. Thank you for reading and Happy Birthday to me.

xx

R

4 Days and Counting

Since my last blog, my efforts to stop cleaning and start acting were unsuccessful. My parent's home functions as a giant vortex, which sucks up every last atom of Govindarajan excess. Unfortunately, it sucked me up too. It's like their home is a black hole smack dab in the middle of LA that when one enters they loose all sense of space and time. Scientists still have trouble understanding black holes, so try finding your way out of one when even light cannot survive its pull. Even when we were younger our friends used to say that time passes in strange ways when they come over. Our friends would stake claim on one of the guest bedrooms knowing damn well that chances of the leaving before curfew were slim. Mom and dad secure in the fact that they knew where their children were never minded the adopted. Over the years mom even grew accustomed to making meals for many knowing that without fail there would be at least one +1 stumbling down the stairs at any given moment.

So now, three weeks have passed and the eve of my year of rebirth is just days away. My struggle to find light in my moment of darkness grows less daunting as the date approaches, but alas, fear still resides. I ask myself every day where this fear comes from? I wonder where its roots lay and when its seeds were planted? I also long to know how I can stop these roots from growing. I am overflowing with positive energy for my loved ones and yet, cannot find the courage to reserve even an ounce of this energy for me. While I am far from rational, I am aware that my inability to believe in myself, my ideas, my success, etc... is a result of my own insecurities--I am the only one holding me back and the answer is to get off my ass and take action. I know I mutter much of the same stuff, but my hopes are that maybe, just maybe, the realizations I am making through this blog will permeate my thick skin.

Thankfully the gutting of my parents home has left me energized not weak. I think the ocean breeze also helped heal the last of my blistering soft spots. Oneness replaced bitterness and forgiveness devoured grudge. In all the years of yoga practice, I was able to clear my mind only once--I focused on the face of Lord Ganesh and my mind quieted immediately. Future attempts to call on the elephant god for assistance did not prove as successful, but through custodial penance my mind has found silence again. The silence while lonely is blissful. It is in this state that I have given birth to new ideas. These ideas seduce and taunt in ways that one cannot help but indulge. I think I might be on way or at least closer to being on my way finally. Cross your fingers for me or better yet, reflect some positive energy my way.

xx
R

LA Post #1: The Hermit Emerges

I underwent a serious withdrawal upon landing in LA. I became Leonardo in Basketball Diaries when he was locked in that room crying and frothing at the mouth as his body filtered his addiction. While I didn’t froth at the mouth, I definitely threw a few tantrums and made my sister cry--a kickback to my adolescence. On my way down, I went into a loony comatose clean freak state. You see, my parents define the word pack rat and I am your quintessential obsessive compulsive clean freak. My cousin says it's a part of my sign--Leos cannot stand disorganization, which is why we dominate in an effort to create order. So, instead of blogging or sending out my resume or better yet, crafting my brilliant million dollar business plan, I devoted myself to returning order to my parents overstuffed home. I know, I know, it's their dysfunction, not mine, and if they want to hold on to my brother's ten year old elementary school calenders or empty Turbo 16 boxes (Yes, I had a Turbo 16 player. Go Bonk!) than why stop them? I just can't do it though! To exist in a space overwhelmed with pointless excess makes me ill. It is exactly why I try to avoid sample sales and discounters as the thought of sorting through racks of rags to find one item that I already have in another color at 70% off gives me severe anxiety, which in turn does not justify the means. Regardless, being OCD is a disability that I can do very little to control and as such, my disability consumed me. What is most important though is that while I did devote my first week in LA to my parents, forty trash bags later, I have regained control and feel strong enough to write. (Hooray!) Surprisingly, I feel energized, and tomorrow, will begin my second attempt to start the healing process.

I don't miss New York as much as I thought I would and the lack of delectable food leaves me with no other option than to eat less, which is never a bad thing. The pros of the various amenities at my parent's home (i.e. the pool, elliptical and sprawling lawns) also make it hard to miss my concrete dwelling with nonsense childproofed windows in New York. One can breathe here and silence really is golden (OK, so what if tonight was the first time I really left my parent's oasis in the center of the city, but so what?). Currently, I am sitting at my father's desk with the windows open and am typing to the melodic sounds of birds whistling. It's 2 am for heaven's sake and the birds are singing crying babies to sleep. It's like a scene out of Snow White. Birds aside though, being here and recovering from my six day coma simply feels good. I can see clarity not as a mirage, but as a reality in the distant horizon. It also feels good to be able to communicate with the outside world again. One would think my parents locked me away in the basement the moment I arrived as I refused to communicate with anyone beyond the perimeter of the property. While I am not not exactly sure what sparks these bouts of hermitude, I am going to make a greater commitment to understanding and controlling them as I progress. Well, it's late. More to follow.

xx

R

Days 10, 12, 13, & 14: NY vs. LA

When Maya said, "NY takes the human out of you," my eyes almost popped out of my head. Not only was it a brilliant statement to blog about, but it defined how I feel--less human.  As a friend so brilliantly reminded me the other night while criticizing my decision to flee the city, life is hard and reality can be life-shattering (blah, blah, blah). But maybe, by living in New York, one becomes more human without realizing it? Being one of the most real places on earth and one of the most difficult places to succeed, perhaps, living here makes an individual more human or in other words, more in tune with reality. Conceivably, it could be the cities that do not batter the soul day-to-day, that make one less human? How many times have you heard someone that is not from New York tell you about the mean people they encountered in New York or how many times have you visited another state and wondered why people are so much more friendly? Perhaps, non-New Yorkers are more friendly, because they are out of touch with what life is really like?  New York in all of greatness can be seriously nasty and one must get nasty just to get by. It is in those "get nasty" moments that I question who I am becoming; however, whether it be more human or less human I do not know. 

On the flipside, I cannot defend LA having grown up in celebrity-ville. As Hollywood bound transplants infest the nearly every industry, it is next to impossible to interact with a friendly or competent individual. And, in the same way that NY forces you to evolve, LA does too. When I returned to LA in 2003 post college with the freshman 30 in tow, the city was far from kind. I was considered HOT! in Boston--the boys found me interesting and I found myself irresistible. Nevertheless, upon my first attempt to enjoy the city, it became readily apparent to me that my once heart-shaped face, now formed a perfect oval, and that my booty and belly were more spherical than concave. While age and maturity (OK, dining hall desserts and alcohol too) had much to do with the changes my body underwent, being at the Sunset Standard for one evening let me know that these changes needed to be managed ASAP. So, being my control freak self, I got to it and did what most Angelinos do--I hired a trainer, bought the South Beach Diet, deemed carbs evil.... I am sure you can tell where this is going, so there is no need to continue on with the story. The point is I could never figure out how to be myself in LA even after I morphed my body, but as the pressure to be perfect thickens the city's hyper polluted air,  I believe that most people struggle to be themselves too.  

So, who knows if I am making the right decision by seeking therapy in LA. For all I know, moving in with my relatives in Ohio may have been a better choice for me? What I am sure of is that my heart has always longed for success in New York City and that I must step away for a short while in order to attain it, so that is what I am going to do. 

xx

R

Day 9: Contemplating the Highline

Not privy to blog etiquette, I haven't quite figured out if I am supposed to blog everyday or if the occasional blog is suffice.  So, in an effort to be a better blogger, I am going to make a conscious effort to spit some self-reflection as often as I can.  

That being said, last night, I explored the new Highline downtown (www.thehighline.org).  Walking along an elevated park, under hotels and alongside abandoned warehouses and glimpses of the New Jersey skyline, I had a moment of remorse about leaving this damned city. Expressing my need to "heal" and listing my reasons for my need to temporarily relocate to my friends sounded ridiculous while standing on the once abandoned railroad tracks. As we strolled past lovers sharing boxed lunches, tourists snapping memories, and loners dazing on wooden recliners, I thought, "Maybe, I can heal here."  At the western outskirts of the city, almost an atmosphere away from the traffic and the noise, I could escape to contemplate for hours at a time--escape to blog, and to connect with the other lost or jobless New Yorkers that long for clarity.  But alas, as there are so many of the confused in the city at this time, I am not sure joining the lot of them will lead to productivity. 

Regardless, my ticket is booked for Tuesday, June 30th and there is no turning back.  At least it's a one way ticket, so I can return at anytime if ever.  My fear is that I will grow comfortable in LA living sans rent or bills. Life is simply easier under your parents' roof, especially if you have parents that want nothing more than to see your pretty face when they wake every morning.  I need to strategize, because existing in a comatose state will be counterproductive and a waste of time. So, prior to d-day, I am going craft a game plan, which of course,  I will then blog about for feedback.  I've got one shot to make every second of my year of rebirth count (see Day 3: Music & Escapism), and will have exactly 23 days to make it happen once I land in the City of Angeles. 

Wish me luck! 

xx

R

Day 6: California Here I Come!

Recently, a friend  told me that New York is not a place to heal.  "Come home to LA. Rest, hike, workout, sort yourself," he said.  Upon processing his advice and the added advice of my mother,  I think he's right.  New York doesn't treat the confused very well. In fact, it eats up the confused and tosses them on the sidewalk to fester with the rest of the city's trash. This city stinks enough in the summer, so lord knows I do not want to become it's new scent. 

Conclusion:  I am coming home. (Of course, not for too long as LA can make me a little soft if I stay too long.)

Hopefully, moving west where life is sooooo muchhhhhh slowerrrrr will enable my brain to stop working on drone mode and start thinking for itself again.  I used to do so many things before being handcuffed to a desk when I moved here three years ago.  You'd think that my arms would look better with all of the typing, but it's quite the opposite--my bicep muscles have atrophied into masses of skin fat and bone. But really, who wants to work out after a 12 to 16 hour day? Who wants to do anything? Do you know that we haven't seen sun in New York for about two years? OK, maybe that's an exaggeration, but if we have seen sun it's only for one bright second out  of every million. 

I have become lax about everything, but my job and I have nothing to show for all of my commitment. So now, I am committing myself to LA and am going to turn my parents house into a rehab center. I am going to heal, and think, and read, and workout and figure out what the hell I want to do next. I am also going to bring the boys, so they can enjoy grass sans New York's traffic, rainy days and stormy nights.  

If you think about it, California has the best rehab centers and I get to check myself in for free with my dogs in tow. One must take advantage of a blessing when it hits them in the face, so that's what I'm doing. 

Clarity awaits me 3,000 miles away.  California here I come! 

xx

R  

Day 3- Music & Escapism

Today was a better day. I didn't feel sorry for myself once. In fact, I felt relaxed and at ease despite the fact that I have been playing Glen Hansard's Falling Slowly on repeat all day (if you haven't heard it, you must listen to asap).  If Mike was home he would kill me, because as far as he is concerned music isn't supposed to depress you.  Unfortunately, my favorite music, the music I play on repeat for days on end, is music Mike would deem depressing.  It's music that encapsulates me in a womb like bubble and turns me into a recluse. Nothing seems so bad when I am in the bubble.  

While I know its a morose thought, sometimes I wonder if life would be easier sans communication. Words and human interaction can be so painful that who can blame me for wanting to hide behind my apartment door? Being a New Yorker, having to take the subway or to fight my way across town or up corporate ladders, I have been subject and witness to many hostile interactions, many of which I have been unable to forget. These interactions over the last three years have changed me--I am less friendly, more suspicious, grow aggravated quickly, and am even a little racist.  All things that I am embarrassed to admit. I swore I wouldn't let New York get the best of me when I moved here, but in order to stay, to be accepted, to fit in and to survive, I subconsciously evolved.  In a city where Darwin's philosophy plays out in real time twenty-four hours a day, I had to.  

Many people have told me that your third year in the city is the hardest--it's when people decide whether they are here to stay or to go. Being broke, I am not sure I can stay, but even beyond finances, I am not sure I want to stay. I am jaded and heartbroken. When the first half of your life's dream is all about moving to New York and finding salvation doesn't work out as planned, what is one supposed to do? New York was Part I and now, I have re-work Part I and start all over again.  

While I was in India in December, I realized that this coming birthday marks my year of rebirth as I am in my 28th year, 2+ 8 =10 and 1+ 0 = 1.  I will be 1 yrs. old again on July 23, 2009, and won’t be 1 again until I am 37 (3 + 7 = 10 and 1 + 0 = 1). So, this coming year maybe my chance (well, in my head at least) to start over.  I know all of this sounds like crazy speak, but it’s the OCD numerology freak in me that is making sense of all of this even if it isn't proper numerology.  Regardless, right now, I need something to look forward to and something to stop me from being the ultimate recluse, so if dreaming up a second chance helps than that's what I am going to focus on.  

Shout out to Maya and Brian (world's greatest couple ever) for hooking us up with the sickest Yankee tickets ever!! Go garlic fries and go Yankees!!! 

xx

R 

 

  

Day 3- Early Morning Rant

So, my blog has caused some alarm amongst my family and friends. I AM OK!!!!  This blog isn't a cry for help. It is simply a form of self expression and a forum for people to reflect on the efforts they are making to save themselves.   

Tonight I was asked why my blog was so "sad." Well, the reality of the situation is that I am sad. Who wouldn't be the slightest bit sad in my situation?  To be jobless in our current economy is not a surprise, but it is far from pleasant. Who would have ever thought a time would come when being unemployed would be socially acceptable?  My mom and dad both said, "Reina, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Harvard MBAs don't have jobs." 

I thought I saw an end was in sight, but now, I am not so sure. Regardless, I remain hopeful and a tad bit sad.  

Until tomorrow.   

xx

R

Day 2- Negative Thoughts Overwhelm Me

The opportunity to self-reflect is never something I get excited about.  Thank god for my puppies, because without them at a time like this, I think I would die from loneliness.  I should be rejoicing in my new found freedom, but instead, find myself dwelling on the negatives that burden my current situation.   

So, since I struggle with meditation and desperately need to quiet my mind I am going laundry list the crap that is plaguing my head in an effort to find peace today: 

1) Why did I chose to live in a city in which everyone that I know is hopelessly broke and w/o savings even though we all make good money?  

2) How did I manage to get duped by yet another shitty fashion house? Why didn't I do more research? I seem to be the only one in the entire industry that didn't know what was really going on--it's infuriating! 

3) Why when I lived in LA was I able to work out on a regular basis and eat well and bounce btw a size 4 and a size 6, but can't now? 

4) Why does friend drama find me or better yet, is it me creating the friend drama?  

5) Why do I feel sad being home, when I would feel more sad being trapped in that office?  

6) Why can't I allow myself even one day of absolute bliss for taking a leap of faith and quitting?  

7) Why didn't I listen to my parents and pursue a more lucrative career path?  

8) Why am I obsessing about marriage when I could live without it?  

9) Will I have ever have answers to the questions listed above? 

10) Will I ever be at peace or satisfied with the life I have created for myself?  

11) Why isn't PRIDE on the list of deadly sins? 

xx

R

Tuesday, June 16th - Let Freedom Ring

Today marks my first day of freedom--the end of my term as an indentured servant in a faux luxury fashion house. Perhaps now, I can begin pursuing my real dreams...

In an effort not to continue to be yet another tortured fashion girl in New York city, I have committed to taking a full month off to figure out why I chose this industry and whether or not I still want to be a part of it. So, in the history of all of the diaries and journals I have ever started and stopped, I have decided to blog myself back to sanity as when I write things down, things always seem to make more sense. 

I titled my blog "Save Yourself" after a song my brother just put out called "Save Ourselves" (www.ameish.com).  Every time I hear it, it serves as a reminder that I am responsible for my own fate and that only I can change it.  Now, I must figure out how.

I welcome you to join me on my journey of self-evaluation through endless amounts of lonely contemplation.  Feel free to share your own life epiphanies as well.  

Until tomorrow.  

xx