Day 3- Music & Escapism

Today was a better day. I didn't feel sorry for myself once. In fact, I felt relaxed and at ease despite the fact that I have been playing Glen Hansard's Falling Slowly on repeat all day (if you haven't heard it, you must listen to asap).  If Mike was home he would kill me, because as far as he is concerned music isn't supposed to depress you.  Unfortunately, my favorite music, the music I play on repeat for days on end, is music Mike would deem depressing.  It's music that encapsulates me in a womb like bubble and turns me into a recluse. Nothing seems so bad when I am in the bubble.  

While I know its a morose thought, sometimes I wonder if life would be easier sans communication. Words and human interaction can be so painful that who can blame me for wanting to hide behind my apartment door? Being a New Yorker, having to take the subway or to fight my way across town or up corporate ladders, I have been subject and witness to many hostile interactions, many of which I have been unable to forget. These interactions over the last three years have changed me--I am less friendly, more suspicious, grow aggravated quickly, and am even a little racist.  All things that I am embarrassed to admit. I swore I wouldn't let New York get the best of me when I moved here, but in order to stay, to be accepted, to fit in and to survive, I subconsciously evolved.  In a city where Darwin's philosophy plays out in real time twenty-four hours a day, I had to.  

Many people have told me that your third year in the city is the hardest--it's when people decide whether they are here to stay or to go. Being broke, I am not sure I can stay, but even beyond finances, I am not sure I want to stay. I am jaded and heartbroken. When the first half of your life's dream is all about moving to New York and finding salvation doesn't work out as planned, what is one supposed to do? New York was Part I and now, I have re-work Part I and start all over again.  

While I was in India in December, I realized that this coming birthday marks my year of rebirth as I am in my 28th year, 2+ 8 =10 and 1+ 0 = 1.  I will be 1 yrs. old again on July 23, 2009, and won’t be 1 again until I am 37 (3 + 7 = 10 and 1 + 0 = 1). So, this coming year maybe my chance (well, in my head at least) to start over.  I know all of this sounds like crazy speak, but it’s the OCD numerology freak in me that is making sense of all of this even if it isn't proper numerology.  Regardless, right now, I need something to look forward to and something to stop me from being the ultimate recluse, so if dreaming up a second chance helps than that's what I am going to focus on.  

Shout out to Maya and Brian (world's greatest couple ever) for hooking us up with the sickest Yankee tickets ever!! Go garlic fries and go Yankees!!! 

xx

R