We are who we want to be

"Consider that you are already where you want to be and are who you want to be? How do you feel know?"


My mom flew into town for less than 48 hours to make up a class she had missed in her Los Angeles Landmark Self Expression and Leadership Program. While waiting for her to wrap up her class, the head coach of her section engaged me in a conversation that gave me plenty to ponder. Upon listening to me speak about my experience in the Self Expression and Leadership Program (SELP), she stopped my banter and said, "Consider that you are where you want to be and are who you want to be already? How do you feel now?" I didn't have a answer for her. Instead I stuttered a bunch of nonsense knowing full well that she could see right through me. My insecurities were in full swing and I think my face might have even turned a pretty shade of pink. I even found myself tugging at the scarf choking my check, readjusting the hat on my head, and unzipping my sleeping bag of a down coat to ventilate my overheating frame. This woman made me uncomfortable, but not out spite, rather out of love.

One thing I love about the Landmark community, despite the fact that many may find it cult-like or crazy, is that Landmark people have a natural ability to communicate openly and honestly with one another. Landmark people also demand that one speak and act from a place of integrity and authenticity at all times, which isn't unbelievably challenging. I am my true self with very few people, but while in a Landmark setting it is impossible to be anything but myself as acceptance is plentiful.

My intention wasn't to make this a pro-Landmark post as I firmly believe there are thousands of ways to make peace with oneself, but the questions posed by the head coach brought me so much peace that I wanted to share my experience.

If I have always been who I want to be then shouldn't I celebrate? Unfortunately, for me, my problem stems from the fact that I do not believe that I am who I want to be. In fact, I find myself yearning to be something more when in fact I am the greatness that I aspire to be this very second. We fail to recognize ourselves for our accomplishments, successes, etc.. Sometimes I find myself rereading my resume in order to remind myself that I have accomplished numerous amazing things and have lived a fulfilling life even at the young age of 28. Resume or no resume though, I should be able to be and feel and live my greatness in every waking moment as reflecting on my past greatness or my future greatness defines ludicrous.

As I mentioned before, my mom flew into town for I felt was to torture me for a few days. What I missed was that my mom could have made up her class in any Western state, but chose to fly all the way from Cali to NY to see me. Yeah, she said a few not so nice things, but what she said wasn't any different than what she has said to me before. As well, the not so nice comments were out heavily numbered by hugs, kisses, and home cooked meals. Instead of focusing on the fact that I have an inspiring and courageous mom that flew 3,000 miles to take a class that has helped her unite our family in a way that I never imagined possible, I made her trip about me and my own insecurities, which isn't the damn point of life or my greatness or humanity.

I am on a journey to love myself completely despite gaining a few extra pounds or saying the wrong thing, or failing at something. If I can master celebrating who I am, this greatness that I speak of will be able to evolve, transform, create the most magical world for us to share. I am the possibility of being a powerful leader, and a beacon of love, light, hope, and fearlessness! God willing, I will be present to who I am even in my lowest moments as life IS worth living and loving.

xx
R

Say Yes To Blogging

The brilliance of blogging is that while many of us think we are talking to ourselves, sometimes people actually hear us. I made my blog a forum in which I could be my most open and authentic self. We all have so many faces that it is a rare occasion when we get to be our most absolute naked honest self. I got into it with my boy friend last night because he advised me "not to be so honest" on my site, but I disagreed as I want this to be the one place where I can actually get to share who I am sans my definitive character traits. The intention of my blog wasn't to sugarcoat who I am and what I am going through. The sheer act of saving oneself isn't pretty or perfect, so while I can promise to sprinkle in some lighthearted posts every now and then, I cannot promise to never upset you.

Yesterday, I posted my resolutions for the new year and sure enough someone heard me. The Universe awarded my honesty with an connection. Under the heading Contributions to Larger Community on my list of resolutions, I listed that I would be "active within the NY Acumen Fund Community," and to my disbelief, someone from the NY Chapter contacted me today! OK, so it turns out that Acumen does a search for their name every morning, but I didn't know that! My point is that if you write your goals out, you will begin to achieve them and if you read your goals daily as many books recommend, you will actually conquer them. So, as The Secret, Eckhart Tolle, and a whole slew of other like minded individuals stated (and as I am confirming it)--if you think positively and act positively, positivity will flood your world. In conclusion: Start writing and reciting and we will all save ourselves together in no time.

xx,
R


P.S. For dinner tonight I made the most amazing healthy Turkey chili. Mike actually ate it and loved it, which is saying a ton!!! Below is a link to the recipe:

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Turkey-Chili-with-White-Beans-3090

Disclaimer to 1st Post of 2010

I posted a few hours ago and received two super concerned emails and phone calls from two women that I absolutely adore, so I felt the need to post again to let anyone that actually takes the time to read my 1st post of the New Year that I am 100% OK. The reality of my life is that I am too hard on myself and far from patient. I strive for perfection and my inability to achieve it paralyzes me. Regardless, I am a fighter. Have faith that I look forward to a long and fruitful life filled with love, light and laughter!

Sorry to have worried any of you :)

xx
R

Happy New Year! - Resolutions, Visions & Affirmations

It's a NEW YEAR??? Honest to God, I never thought I would make it through 2009. I started this blog June of 2009 in an effort to save myself during a time when I felt completely lost. Now, the year has passed and I am still pretty lost. While I have more perspective on who I am and who I want to be, and can see my life slowly coming together, fear and confusion still plagues me and I am still trying to hone in on the exact path I would like to take. To be completely honest with you, I don't think I have ever contemplated ending my life as an alternative to living life on this planet so many times. Humanity scares me and my responsibility to humanity as a member of the human race scares me even more. I know this sounds dramatic, but if I bulleted every woe of the 2009, you would no longer be wondering how the most unforgivable of all acts popped into my precious head so many times; however, haven't you ever just wanted out?

For those of you who have stated to worry about me or think that I am being a tad ridiculous, I would say let it go for the following reasons: 1) It's not a crime to have suicidal thoughts and it doesn't make me crazy, 2) I am alive and well, and 3) I am determined to be my possibility and to live a life and to be a person that I absolutely and completely love.

Do any of you ever write out resolutions? I wrote out mine for the first time that I can actually remember in recent history last year, and despite the fact that I didn't keep my resolutions in plain site, to my delight, many of them came true! This year, I transferred the items that I still yearn to accomplish onto my 2010 list and compiled a new set of resolutions. In order to stick to my resolutions, I am kicking off my first 2010 blog post with a public posting of my 2010 Resolutions, Visions & Affirmations. I welcome you all to post yours as well :)

Happy Happy New Year!

xoxo
R

2010 Resolutions, Visions & Affirmations

I. Work & Career
• I will make my dreams a reality! I will hone in the company of my dreams and START IT! Enough bullshitting.
i. My company will have something to do with India
ii. My company will have a non-profit angle that benefits young women in India
• Emotions will not run or affect me or my career
• I will continue to network globally

II. Finances
• I will think bigger than paying off my debt!
• I will be debt free
• I will start an IRA
• I will start saving $50/paycheck and increase the amount gradually
• I will be independent & financially responsible
• I will distinguish between “wants” & “needs”
• I will budget, eat out less & cook more!

III. Relationships
• I will listen more and talk less
• I will stop being a meaning making machine
• I will be more considerate, compassionate and aware of people’s feelings
• I will be a better daughter, sister, friend, girl friend, and mother
• I will not shut people out, instead I will act with authenticity and integrity and fearlessness

IV. Health & Fitness
• Working out will be a priority
• Isagenix will be a priority
• I will drink infrequently and responsibly
• I will eat more fruits, vegetables, and fish and less red meat.
• I will NOT eat beef
• I will support my friends and partner in their efforts to be their best selves

V. Recreation & Free Time
• I will read 1 to 2 books a month at least
• I will visit more museums and take advantage of free NY events
• I will learn a language
• I will travel to a foreign land, hopefully two or three!!!

VI. Contribution to Larger Community
• I take a stand for humanity and stand as a member of one nation not as an individual
• I will be active within the Acumen Fund NY Chapter and fundraise aggressively
• I will assist Zoe in her efforts to advance the Women’s Education Project
• I will partner with an Indian non-profit that benefits Indian youth and do whatever I can to help

Moving Movies & Isogenix

I watched two movie today, P.S. I Love You and Julie & Julia (Maya, please don't be upset with me about this. It's just that if I was starving and thought I could satiate by hunger by living vicariously through the film.) and found both films equally inspirational. OK, I know that sounds cheesy and a tad hyperbolic, but to an aspirational young blogger like me, the films were inspiring.

P.S. I Love You made me emo as it was all about a woman finding herself again after her partner died at the age of 35 years. To top it all off Hilary Swank's character hated her job, had serious abandonment issues, and never thought she would love again. Watching this movie made me realize 1) How much I love Mike and how hopeless and lost I would feel without him despite how much he infuriates me, and 2) How much I need to celebrate every second of life as our lives can change at a moments notice. While this was a B- drama at best, it moved me enough to write and think, so that's what matters. Anyhow, Swank manages to move on, and better yet, discovers her talent for shoe design. She committed herself to healing and found light in the darkest of moments, which is most definitely inspirational!

In Julie & Julia, Amy Adam's character started her blog in an effort to find herself and as a means for escape (sound familiar?). Through her blog, she found peace and a sense of accomplishment, which is exactly how I feel every time I communicate with cyberspace. I think most bloggers write in hopes that people are tuning in, but even if no one is listening it still feels good that there is a possibility that some day maybe someone will listen. This movie was justification enough to keep on blogging. Also, inspirational!

So, upon great though, I thought I would share two shifts have occured place in my life as of late. The first being that I have almost fallen back in love with fashion through my current freelance position. Working for two down to earth democratic boss men feels wildly different than my last stint with a bald tyrannical Italian dictator. It's crazy when your superiors actually respect you, trust you and look to you for advice. The sheer idea of a non-oppressive environment within the skinny corridors of this industry blows my mind. Could it even be true!? I laugh so much throughout my day that I can't even believe I am getting paid to do the work! I also have begun to contemplate whether it really is my time to abandon this joint. Right now, I am going to ride the wave for a while.

The second change is my commitment to an organic way of life called Isogenix. I have my girl Maya to thank for this as she rolled over to my house with a stack of CDs on the program that she said, "I had to listen to." Honestly, farming in this country blows and we have no hope of getting the minerals and vitamins our bodies need while living here. Americans have destroyed everything from poultry to potatoes, so that even our organic varieties lack the sustenance we need. Can you believe that cancer stats are on the rise instead of on the decline since the disease first surfaced!!??? WTF!!?? Listening to one of the CDs, which was a radio interview on the program sold me. That and the the fact that my girl Maya is the least gimmicky person I know. You see, Mike and I are the kind of people who watch infomercials and are duped easily. (Please note that in case you are curious, I can confirm that Bumpits and Pedieggs do work and that the Slap Chop is the biggest piece of plastic crap ever). Well, Maya isn't like like us at all, so when she told me about this program, I figured it would be worth checking out. I have committed myseld to a 30 day cleanse, which sounds intense, but really isn't. I only feel tortured because today is DAY 1 and I can't gorge on the Reese's Sticks (who knew they even made sticks!) that Mikey bought at Fairways today. For those of you that have come over you know that our apartment is a snack haven. We have the most amazing selection of snacks from Doritos to Oreos that demand attention the second you walk through our door. Finding a way to remain committed in an environment like is torture, so guess what??? I am going to blog my way through this.

Today, I had to measure every inch of my body and weigh in, and in 8 days I get to do it all again. Yipee!!! Between now and eight days from now, I have to battle the last 3 days of market, an Indian wedding and a bridal shower! Regardless, with 3 more weddings approaching and my LA when-I-was-skinny-jeans staring at me, it will all be worth it. I am sure of it. Oh, and let's not forget how bang'n my body is going to feel once it gets its proper dose of vitamins and minerals for a full30 days!!

So, as my belly will not stop grumbling, I must I bid goodnight before I screw up and binge on the Oreos sitting to the left of me this very second.


xx
R

Progress Report

I found a little piece of who I am in Los Angeles. Now, my mission is to unearth the rest of me. My greatest success so far has been the ability to process that I am the cause of me--I am my suffering and my joy and my struggle. To blame others for my defeat or to depend on others for my happiness has been my greatest misstep. I am my life's architect and it is up to me to draft the most brilliant plan complete with infinite possibilities and unreasonable feats!

I find myself overwhelmed with this new found power as it is the same power present in my heroes and mentors. It is the power that I have envied for as long as I can remember. As ridiculous as it may sound, we all were born with the capacity to lead, empower and inspire. Like Obama, we possess the power to accomplish the most un-dreamable dream. Have you ever looked up the definition of the word hero? Marion Webster defines the word hero as "a legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability." Well, we are all of divine descent and somewhere along the line we forget where we came from or get obsessed with what we think we are or are not and everything goes to shit. We each have the capacity to do a hundred times more than what we do. An extraordinary person is one who learns to identify and utilize the power that lurks within. I am committed to being extraordinary as I am sick of being a mediocre version of myself.

Another great lesson that I have learned since starting this journey is that an extraordinary individual is an individual with BIG PROBLEMS and lots of them. Committing oneself to acquiring lots and lots of big problems make all of the small problems insignificant and comical. My greatest problem now is how am I going to impact this world? How am I going to cause a shift, create magnificent change, move mountains, and on and on? I have a greater understanding of the contemporary painter Jackson Pollack and his efforts to save the world through his paintings as an artist fighting against the void. Through paint and canvas he battled suffering and died a hero in my eyes. While many think he didn't do a damn thing, he did. He understood that one's existence is about the greater whole not oneself. It is when one has a full grasp of this concept that one's power can function at full charge. When he was alive he did his part by fighting not only for his own life, but for all of us. If we each lived every day for everyone else, this world would be a safer, happier, healthier place. Grasping this concept and putting it to use in my day to day life has resulted in the most magnificent interactions. The simple ability to to acknowledgeg every individual I come into contact with as a fellow human being on the same journey as me has been revolutionary in the way people react to me--defenses are down and smiles are abundant.

Unfortunately, regressing into the solo mission mindset isn't hard. Finding authentic love for the people that have hurt me most has been a tremendous hurdle for me in my day to day progress; however, my acute awareness of my hurdle is proof that I am progressing . I strive to find peace with my emotions in regards to these individuals and in my prayers, I pray for their happiness. With time, I believe I can get to that place where I feel complete.

My journey continues and once again I leave you with the promise that I will be a better blogger. With your well wishings, I know will succeed.

xx
R

Alive Again

I don't know how to explain how a 3 day seminar changed my life, but it did.

I write tonight alive, awake, inspired, amazed, present... I could go on and on, but there aren't enough words to describe by bliss. I am overwhelmed with the number of infinite possibilities that exist for my taking. I have the power to create for myself and my life possibilities that will transform both my future and past. I have been empowered with the ability to view life from a pair of fresh eyes and have not only the program to thank, but my friends and family who listened and accepted me through all of my recent revelations.

I know you're probably thinking that this girl swallowed a crazy pill or joined a cult or is a borderline schizophrenic (out of touch with reality), but I am not. I feel saved from the stories that I have created and have used to frame my life.

Me and 196 other extraordinary individuals were reborn tonight. Most of us began the journey resistant and put off, but all of us ended up more at peace, a lot more in tune with who we are, and that that much closer to functioning at our fullest potential. I have so much to share, but after the last few days I am combination of exhilaration and exhaustion. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but it isn't, and I do not have the capacity to explain how I am feeling with the vocabulary we have been gifted. For the first time in a long time, my tears are happy tears, my mind is silent, and my heart is full of love both for humanity and myself .

Thank you for your patience, blessings and support as I figured my shit out.

I am whole again.

xx
R